i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
