I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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