Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
