Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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