Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
