Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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