I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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