I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
