ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
