if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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