yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
