Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
