I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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