fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
should my penis look like a turkey
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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