is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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