and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
