the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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