I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
