In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
