i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
