We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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