life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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