there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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