I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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