she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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