I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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