well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
