I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
