so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
