Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize