her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
