this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize