just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
