How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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