I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
