does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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