my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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