Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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