ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
