she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
