I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
