I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
