It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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