Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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