got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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