You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
