my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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