fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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