i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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