I'm really into asian looking animals
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
