Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
