Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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