Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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