I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
